You cheated on your partner but your relationship does not necessarily have to end. Even though admitting infidelity to your partner will cause much heartache and anger, your relationship can survive if you both want it to. But repairing a relationship after infidelity can only happen if you truly regret your decision to cheat. If you decide to confess to your partner, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, not just to ease your own guilt.
If you cheated on your spouse, you may wonder whether you can or should keep your marriage going. Infidelity comes in many forms. Some people consciously or subconsciously use cheating as a way to end a marriage. Others cheat when seeking validation or fulfillment from an outside relationship. While others may be impulsive and take opportunities for immediate gratification. Regardless of the reasons, some relationships will be salvageable after cheating and some might come to an end.
Can you fix a broken relationship after cheating? It is possible, but it takes both people to make the decision to keep trying. There are a number of reasons why a relationship might not survive infidelity. When the betrayal is too painful or when both partners are not committed to mending the damage, it is likely that the partnership will end.
Deciding the relationship is not salvageable after cheating can be a painful but necessary conclusion.
You’ll want to take some time to yourself and process your emotions. Notice whether you feel regretful about cheating on your partner. Do you feel ready to be held accountable for your actions? Are you willing to invest the time to heal your relationship?
Is cheating on your partner something you feel you’ll do again? Be honest with yourself. Getting in touch with your feelings can inform the emotional work you’ll need to do if you want to make your relationship work. If you are recommitting to your relationship, it’s important that you do not continue to cheat. In cases where the infidelity was fleeting, it may be easier to stop and cut ties. When ending an emotional affair on the other hand, the process may be more difficult.
If the person you cheated with is someone you see every day, like a co-worker, you will have to establish boundaries with them. For instance, you may avoid speaking with them about anything that isn’t work-related, and you don’t socialize with them outside of work.
The person you cheated with might also have feelings for you. If they continue to pursue you, you will need to make it clear that you can no longer see them.
No matter your”reasons” for cheating, you must accept responsibility for your actions and rebuild trust. Avoid putting the blame on your partner or on your relationship problems. Apologize to your partner.
Do you and your partner both want to stay in the relationship? If you both want to stay together, you have a common goal. Make a decision knowing that you’ll both have to commit to rebuilding trust and communication. If you stay together, your relationship will be different moving forward. But you can build a new relationship. It will take time, but try to look toward your future together, not the past.
If your partner wants to end the relationship, you need to respect their decision. They may also need time and space away from you before they decide, and that’s OK.
You must be honest, with yourself and with your partner, if you want to move forward. It’s likely that you had to lie to your partner to keep your cheating a secret. Now is the time for transparency.
Be direct and open in order to help your relationship get to solid ground. Honesty in relationships is associated with lower conflict. But it is important for both partners to agree on being honest and to talk about their expectations. If you say you are going to be somewhere, be there. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Be dependable and don’t break your promises. It’ll be harder to rebuild trust in your relationship if you are not dependable and reliable. It takes time, but it is possible to restore the trust that used to be in your relationship before you cheated. Taking responsibility, apologizing sincerely, being honest, and doing what it takes to help your partner trust you again are key to this process.
Be open to letting your partner know where you are, who you are with, and so on. Try not to hide things from them any more.
It is normal for your partner to feel betrayed and be mistrustful. Acknowledge their feelings and work toward rebuilding the trust that you have betrayed. Don’t expect your partner to trust you again right away. But, with time, you can try to regain their trust. Research has shown that not being able to talk to one another is one of the most commonly cited reasons why marriages fail. Be willing to listen and talk to your partner. If you cheated because your relationship wasn’t meeting your needs, tell your partner what those needs are. It’s important you both understand each other fully and have a sense of what the other person needs. In order to move past the cheating, you and your partner need to be open to discussing and identifying issues and problems in your own personal life and in your relationship. You might consider seeing a relationship counselor or a marriage counselor to help with that process.
In addition to being forgiven by your partner, you need to forgive yourself. You should take responsibility for cheating, but you don’t need to carry buckets of guilt for the rest of your life.
One study looked at how couples rebuild their marriage after an affair. Researchers found that while the process was difficult, forgiveness played a critical role. Some people cheat because they are seeking revenge for something their partner did to them. For instance, maybe you are angry at them for betraying you. Perhaps your partner cheated in the past or crossed your boundaries. Victims of sexual betrayal often seek revenge in the form of infidelity. Maybe you’ve felt neglected and lonely in the relationship, and you are seeking attention from your partner by having an affair with someone else.
By cheating, you might’ve been fulfilling sexual desires that aren’t being met in your relationship.5 You and your partner can have an open conversation about your sexual needs—especially in a safe setting where you’re both comfortable sharing, such as therapy. However, there may be needs your partner can’t fulfill. If you want to engage in sexual acts that your partner doesn’t feel comfortable with, you have to honour the boundaries. No matter what type of personality you have, you can still have a successful, monogamous relationship if that’s what you truly want. The first step is being honest and understanding yourself better.
You may have been unhappy in your relationship for a long time. Cheating usually complicates relationships, even if it felt good in the beginning. It is courageous to be honest with yourself and your partner. You can recommit to your partner, or you both may decide it’s better to move on and end the relationship. Either way, accepting responsibility will help you progress.
